I dislike libertarians. I think they should get out more.

Specifically, I think Peter Thiel is a wack job.

Peter and his ilk hate government. Ok, they might believe in the need for publicly funded police and fire protection, as well as a national defense. Or maybe not. But radical libertarians oppose just about anything else government does.

Thiel even thinks kids should stop going to college.

Like I said, Peter Thiel should get out more. And I have the perfect place for him to start.

He should take a crap in a deep-pit toilet provided by the National Forest Service, a branch of our federal government.

For those who think I am, once again, engaging in juvenile and scatological hate-speech, consider this.

Those toilets, paid for by our taxes, work. They work extremely well. They do not stink. They have plenty of toilet paper. They are clean.

They do their job, allowing us to do ours.

Thiel might counter, that service could be provided by the private sector. And perhaps it could.

But the point is about more than just shit.

It is this. National Forest Service and National Park toilets are an extension of something much larger than us and our bodily waste. They are part of a government effort to offer nature conveniently and with minimal disturbance for those who wish to enjoy it. In a way that works for animals and plants, too.

Libertarians extol the private sector and free will. But when it comes to preserving nature, their objects of admiration suck. One must only look at the towns adjacent to Yellowstone National Park to see why not. They are gaudy and commercial, free enterprise run amok. They are ugly. They are the antithesis of nature.

And, from personal experience, when it comes to cleanliness, the ‘private’ toilets in those establishments at the fringe of the park don’t hold a candle to those provided by our government.

Or, come to think of it, they need a (scented) candle…

Recall, it was the private sector of for-profit ranchers and farmers who fenced in the West, destroying natural habitat, driving much of its wildlife to near extinction.

That is not, by the way, a missive against ranching and farming. Industry and suburbanization have done far worse elsewhere.

The point is this: Self-interest and the pursuit of profit usually run afoul of nature.

It takes collective action to preserve nature. It was the federal government, first under Teddy Roosevelt, that preserved habitats by creating federal parks and national forests. It took even stronger federal action to save iconic species on the verge of extinction, such as the majestic bison and (in the lower 48 states) the grizzly bear.

As the economist Ronald Coase pointed out over sixty years ago, there is no ‘Pareto optimal’ market solution for externalities, such as fouling the environment or man-made biodiversity destruction, unless one can create property rights and trade them freely at minimal cost.

But the Coase Theorem does not work for nature on its grand scale. Even if owning all the mountains, all the clear water, and the entire atmosphere were possible (fat chance) and trading their property rights was cheap and feasible (fat chance), human experience tells us that the profit motive would turn the wilderness into Disney-like theme parks.

That is not what our and other species require or deserve.

To return to our theme, the belief that libertarians offer solutions that can preserve nature is a load of crap. It takes collective, not individual, actions to do so, steps that only government can undertake.

So, Peter Thiel, come and take a shit. In a government toilet. It might change your mind. And even if it doesn’t, I can assure you, it will be a pleasant experience.